- If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
- Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.
- I’ve decided that I’m not old. I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.
- It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the stop at the end.
- The person who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- In my defense I was left unsupervised.
- My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.
- Some things are just better left unsaid and I usually realize it right after I say them.
- A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
- I thought getting old would take longer.
- A wise man once said nothing.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
